Attention White Rabbit

[Black Rabbit]

Hello, 
This is a message to the White Rabbit clan operating out of the northern bays of the Akbarian coast. I'm interested in meeting you.
It's been brought to my attention that you've lost many ships, many loads of cargo, gold, etc.
I jest,
You don't deserve those ships. You don't deserve your gold. 

I'll find you. Or you'll find me.

I dare you.

The Son of Rootus.

[Black Rabbit]

This notice has been approved by the leader of the town.

[Black Rabbit]

Oh that's right, most of you can't make it here due to your ships being.. you know, cut from their mooring. I still wonder to this day, if anyone was on those ships when they were cut loose. Or maybe something precious. A family heirloom, maybe a few bottles of rum.. probably not rum. The stuff you guys get .. sheesh it's pretty damn flammable, found that out pretty easily. One match and FOOF! Whole ships up in flames! Got to taste it though, not bad stuff. Cheeses ain't bad either, could've used a few more months of sitting but who am I to complain about the royalties of being a White Rabbit right? What else, hm what else I need to remember.. so long ago. Oh yes! Shackles, you sure do need those don't you, no use to you rusting at the bottom of the sea are they? Necklaces, rings, things like that.. if you find a few of your flags with a brown stain on it, I mean you can put the pieces together. When you wanna fly white colors, I mean, color shows real well. I think i took a few of them with me on the lantern boats and dyed them deeeeep deeeeeeep black. Should've kept them white and just painted phallic things on them and raised them again, oh.. oh that would be rich... imagine seeing a fleet of these high horsed slavers flying that as their sails.. oh my there's tears on this parchment I'm laughing so hard. GODS you guys are dumb. 500 EXPLETIVE years and you still can't catch the one pain in your ass that's been bugging you.. have you just been searching under beds? Maybe in a little dinghy you have .. ah wait probably burned that too.. never mind about that part.. am I going too far?

You must be real mad reading this. I think it's hilarious. Oh man. How long as it been? 504 years? 505? God's I can't even think I'm laughing so hard.

Say if a mosquito bit you, and just sat there sucking your blood out of you. And you just staring at it, just watching it even though it's just bleeding you dry, I'm talking to you Bal'Mah. You just EXPLETIVE sit there and say "OH GODS, WHERE IS IT, ITS BEEN LIKE 6 HOURS"
MATE THE MOSQUITO WEIGHS MORE THAN A WATERMELON BY NOW!
It's on your arm!!
Oh I'm going to have a heart attack laughing this hard. Oh boy.

God's you're dumb.

So uh? Try to unsink those pffffft
Try to unsink those ships, I'll be waiting for you!

Come grab a drink!

[Black Rabbit]

Oh man.. this is too rich. Seriously, its been FIVE HUNDRED AND FIVE YEARS, its taken that long for you to notice that I'm here? I mean, I've been back to the coast, otherwise, how else would those boats just float off of their mooring with a clear cut in the lines. I mean, thats pretty bad. I could just imagine you going out to the mooring all ready for the day, sandwiches packed, little cups of wine with a bendy reed inside it. Just having a great old time, all your slaves just on a big ol rope behind you. You finally get to the coast, and THERES NO BOAT!! Oh man! Oh.. GODS. Thats the actual funniest thing I could ever imagine... because you're so happy! so ready for the day, and I just CRUSHED you're small little fragile dreams of selling those people.. oh.. oh gods..

I'm gonna write a book, a big old book, of just how simple you are, starring BAL'MAH, LEADER OF THE WHITE RABBIT CLAN, BIGGEST DINGUS TO EVER TRAVERSE THE DESERTS OF AKBARIA. Hows that arrow wound doing pal? Probably just a.. HAH Just a big hole.. just a big reminder of just how gods damn better I am than you at finding EXPLETIVE..

I just gotta ask, oh man.. I gotta ask how sad you are on a daily basis, with no boats, no ways of travel.. just fitting like.. 6 of you guys on a raft. OH the raft is just made out of like, sticks and cactus. A FRICKIN CACTUS. I mean, I guess thats good if you go through some shoal of fish and they just get stuck to it, or something.. actually thats kinda smart. wow. good job I'm so proud of you. You did it!

But back to the arrow part, remember when you were in you're big dumb long hall, talking about how you were gonna "KILL THE SON OF ROOTUS, HES TOO MUCH OF A MENACE OH HES.. HES REAL BAD.. BUT HES SO HANDSOME.. I MEAN LOOK AT HIS FACE.. THAT SCAR WE GAVE HIM? UGH TOTAL SMOKE SHOW! Ladies sure love the little battle scars on a man.. I wish I had battle scars!" AND THEN MY FATHER FRICKIN SHOOTS YOU. WITH AN ARROW!!
I was standing right behind you the entire time!! You never even knew it was me! Uncle you are something else..

You didnt realize that you keep all of youre little henchmen's cute little outfits in a little closet, SO OPEN to the public. That night after you were all like.. "OH GODS THE FATHER OF THAT HANDSOME BOY SHOT ME!! HELP HELP I'M SO WEAK AND SIMPLE" I took three bottles of wine, a leg of goat, some rolls and some fruit. It was absolutely delicious, I'm so glad you just let your men eat whatever they want or else I wouldnt have gotten anything!

I'm trying so hard to remember how else I just made you're lives a living nightmare..

See I dont see how you think you're the little 'heros' of this whole little situation, its cute! its real cute. lemme explain how things work here, you go doing you're little runs from the desert isles to the mainland, and I.. I just jack the whole thing up, good luck getting here though, its rough out there buddy. Its a big.. big ol mess out there, real misty, makes people go crazy or whatever. But I mean, whatevers left in that skull of yours is so tiny that I dont even think thats gonna effect you much, just kinda, make the mush in there a little mushier, more like a gelatin or, like.. i dont know like really.. coarse sand. like super coarse.. like a .. sandy sandy.. beverage or something. But you come here, you come busting in "OOOOOOO I'M THE BIG MAN, I'M THE LEADER OF THE WHITE RABBIT, OOOO I'M BAH'MAL I GOTTA BIG HONKIN HOLE IN MY SHOULDER BECAUSE I GOT SHOT WITH AN ARROW BECAUSE I'M DUMB OOOOO" and I just kinda sit there and watch you do that whole speech, and then, when you're done, I say something and you're probably gonna say something like "ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE YOU'VE BEEN A BOY MY NEPHEW OH HO HO HO HO EVIL LAUGH I'M SO GREAT LOOK AT MY TINY BICEPS" and I just sit there and tell you "yep. been a long time. ya dingus." and then, I shoot you with another arrow! like, a better arrow, a big ol, pointy guy. just right through your other shoulder. and then I can see you standing there like "OHHHH OH OH OHHHHHH OH GODS IT HURTS SO BAAAAAD, IVE BEEN BESTED BY SUCH A HANDSOME YOUNG MAAAAAAN HES SO HANDSOME LOOK AT HIM.. I'M GONNA EXPLETIVE OFF BACK TO AKBARIA NOW OOOOOHHH OH I'M SAAAAD I DONT HAVE ANY MORE BOATS BECAUSE YOU BURNED THEM ALL AND CUT THE LINES OOOHHHH OH BOOOOY"

and then you leave and I win.

thats how it goes.

now, its your turn.

Bal'Mah.
You've got the brain of a goblin.
Make some use of it.

[Black Rabbit]

(Additional pinned notice REEKS of rum and tobacco)

Big dumb arrow hole shoulder dumb slaver.
Big stinkly rabbit.
Big big bad white rabbit.